My dog is the same color as my couch. There is a rule in the dog world (don't worry, I didn't know this either) that you own any piece of furniture that you match. The upshot of this is that, though she knows she is not supposed to be on it, she spends a large portion of each day--while I am at work, working, working hard--stretched out in doggy bliss on my beloved couch. I know this because when I come home at the end of the day she has rearranged the cushions in a more dog-friendly fashion, pulled the slipcover all to hell, and left a Doberman-head-sized imprint on the pillow. I also know this because my beloved off-white couch is now more of a dirty yellow-grey. I also know this because she gives me a baleful glare whenever I dare to sit down.
Somehow I have managed to incorporate this, too, into my life, along with the dog gate in the bedroom doorway and the hours of walking and the MIA cats. It is amazing what you can adapt to when you have convinced yourself that you are doing something noble, or when you realize that you have made an irrevocable choice and can't go back.
I always thought that when I had a dog, if I had a dog--a prospect that seemed to dim significantly when I fell into obsession with my cats--it would be a shepherd or a shepherd mix. A male, obedient, well-behaved, beautifully colored and just a bit shaggy. He would walk to heel even off-leash, respond to the slightest command, but be comfortable on his own and good with other dogs. I did not expect this, this sleek pale cancer-ridden female with her eyes that glow red in the dark and her sunburned nose and her stomach stretched from years of puppy-milling. She knows nothing, barely more than "sit," and pulls hard at the leash. Dogging my heels every minute, she hates being left alone and loves, loves, loves me and hates, hates, hates meeting new dogs. And, of late, the whole "bathroom outside" issue has come into question.
I thought I was prepared for this, but every day brings a new challenge. It does not get easier. It gets more complicated. One hurdle cleared, two more appear. Adjusts to cats, pees on the floor, gets a stomach bug (?). Find a toy she will actually chew, she gets into the trash when we're gone.
The scariest thing is that I don't know when to worry. I don't know dogs well enough to know what is normal and what might be the cancer, sneaking in, taking over. Do any of us really know cancer symptoms? If we did, the survival rate would be so much higher. So is our poop-smeared patio a victim of worms, something she found in the trash, something much more sinister? Do I spend $50 to ask the vet each and every time she acts erratically? Or just let it go until it is bad enough to do what we know will need to be done, inevitably, sometime but we don't know when?
I always have buyers' remorse, with everything I do--the job, the house, the animals, college, new jeans. Whenever I make a choice, I mourn the lost chances, the possibilities the other choice presented. It is a curse, maybe sometimes a blessing. I have to keep thinking I did the right thing, bringing this girl into our home for the time she has left, however long that is. I have to keep thinking she's happy, it's worth it, she's better off than the alternative. Otherwise it makes the early morning walks, the uncleaned bathrooms, the utter grossness of my backyard...well, an exercise in something resembling futility. And I hate futility.
Also, I do not know how to clean up my own yard. Which is a shame, because I need to water the plants.
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"Raised in the country, I been workin' in a town, I been in trouble since I set my suitcase down."
5 comments:
Re: your last post. If you continue we will continue to read. If you do not, I (for one) will still love you and will just have to figure out another way to remain part of your life.
Re: this post. The buyer's remorse is the worst. I have it always as well. I think, though, that once I've committed to a choice I don't allow myself to consider whether or not it was a mistake, and sometimes that's not good.
We have to get rid of Sophia, our recent dog adoptee. It's a mess and I'm a mess...
...but what I wanted to say was, you haven't had Pink that long, it is normal for it to be Very Difficult to add a new family member to your household. Have you taken her to training? Read a billion books? Etc Etc?
On a selfish note, do you know anyone who wants an awesome 25 pound mutt that's cute as piss and needs to be in a single pet household?
To both you and Melissa...from experience I have learned that all dogs/ pets are not created equal, much less alike. The word "domesticated"is over used when referring to our pets! Their personalities are a result of environment and instinct. We tend to forget instinct. Not all animals like each other and we can't make them to be everything we want. We can train, but we have to train within the boundaries and limitations of the breed,and their own personalities and their environmental influences.And not many of us have the time and talent that the Dog Whiperer does! Just do what is best for the animal. If the animal needs to be in a single animal home, so be it(Melissa). It is not you who failed. There is no failing. It is just where the animal fits bests. As for Pink, she is sweet, timid, apprehensive, and very needy! Everything you are exposing her to is new to her. But once you figure out what works and what doesn't, you will make the adjustments to accomodate. All the forethought and research won't change the fact that every choice has a 50-50 chance of being the right/better one!
You need a break? Ask me to farm-sit before you write too maney more posts like this, I'm still up for it :)
Lenore
Okay, so I've missed quite a bit in the last two weeks. Damn!
I'm certain her diarrhea is nothing to be concerned about. You haven't had Pink very long, so everything is still relatively new to her. Dogs being creatures of habit, being in a new home, around new people and doing things like taking regular walks may be just enough to unsettle her stomach. Tigger gets sick when I am gone longer than a day or two. Dogs are very much like humans -- they internalize their feelings (anxiety, loneliness, grief, etc). Or, it could be the doggy ice cream. Not all dogs tolerate it well. Unless her diarrhea persists for a week, and is accompanied by lethargy or excessive sleepiness, she's probably okay.
Glad to see you blogging again. (And, Hi Mom!)
I'm leaving this a couple of months late, but hopefully it helps. Our Dobie is also very willful and stubborn--we call her Princess for a reason. But she eventually learned not to dig through the trash (cans with lids help too). She pulls my arms off when I walk her, but buying a harness helped a little. She's a sensitive soul, and more than anything, she wants to be loved. She peed on the couch and attacked the other dogs and generally acted like a shithead for a while, but after a couple of years, she has definitely just toned it down to being a brat :) If you ever need advice let me know--we've had to learn everything the hard way!
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