cold feet

Monday I went to Newjob for a bit, to try to get my feet wet and learn where the copier and the bathroom and the water fountain are. I started off my glamorous new career by stuffing envelopes, doing background checks on complete strangers, and helping evaluate the behavior of an effusive rottweiler who managed to try to eat the fake baby used as part of the evaluation. I was not particularly good at any of these things.

Yesterday, at Oldjob, I had a meeting with a particularly delusional, difficult student who has been the bane of my existance for a year and a half and, prior to that, the bane of my predecessor's. It seemed that nothing we could say could get this kid to understand the reality of his situation--we screamed, we pleaded, we begged, we tried everything. While meeting with him for the 20th and final time yesterday, I had an epiphany, a breakthrough. Suddenly and clearly I saw exactly what his problem was, what he was doing and why and what the best way to get through to him would be. And not for the first time, but certainly for the last, I thought, "DAMN, I'm good at this job."

It is scary, terrifying even, to be leaving my comfort zone. I am competent at my job. I excel, actually, at my job. I have been here for a while and I am used to knowing the game, I am used to being the go-to girl. It's not hard to become accustomed to confidence, to get complacent with your own skill. When the novelty of being senior, of training new hires, of being a leader wears off, you just get the benefit: the daily ego boost of knowing you know your shit.

Standing in the shelter on Monday, bracing my forearm against the enthusiastic leap of the rottweiler, I wondered if I was doing it right, if the trainer thought I was stupid, if I was supposed to try to correct the behavior or just let the trainer evaluate it. I drank 32 ounces of water but didn't go to the bathroom because what if the walls are too thin and they could hear me at the front desk? I didn't say much to anyone, my vocal cords paralyzed by insecurities, incompetence, ignorance. It's been a long time since I've been the Dumb New Girl.

I know in a few months I'll think this is funny, but right now I still have a lot of anxiety to work through. The details and logistics and oh-crap-I-have-to-drive-to-work-now realizations of starting a new job have so far prevented me from worrying and terrifying over the implications of this particular job change for my career, my future, my sense of self, my relationships; I still have all of that to doubt and fear and obsess over. So y'all have that to look forward to.

Meanwhile, where's the cheapest place to buy jeans? I don't think my three pair are going to last too long.